by Barb
(Indiana)
My husband started cheating on me right after our daughter was born (3 years into our marriage)... I believe this was when things started to fall apart. He started cheating right before I got pregnant with our 2nd child. The next 5 or so years of our marriage, my H cheated with at least 8 women, one long term and several ONS. Then the big D-Day, 7 years later, Aug. 1978, I learned my husband had slept with Debbie (not her real name)... at that time, I didn't know about the rest of the women until 28 years later) and I also learned that everybody in our small hometown knew about "Debbie"... At the time, I was crashed.... I screamed, cried and yes, even begged him to talk to me, he never would admit to anything... he denied, denied, denied. He made me think I was crazy. So, one day, I just stopped talking about it and I buried it deep inside me until I just forgot for the next 28 years.
Right from the start before D-day, on some level, I guess I knew things were very wrong... my H changed... he became indifferent, secretive, distant, always denying anything was going on... evading my questions about all those late nights... Oh, I had the 'gut' feelings, the signs were there , the flags were everywhere, (he even threw it in my face) people would even make 'innuendo' remarks to me... but I refused to hear, I refused to see, that my husband could cheat on me... My brain would not accept my husband betraying me.... I chose to live in denial.
Looking back today... During the time he was indulging in his sexual escapades, the sex between us became different... the sex was no longer tender/loving... the sex was pretty much over before I knew we had sex... the tender loving 'connecting kind of sex' dried up years before I even realized what was happening. I remember getting to the point of never wanting sex with him, especially after D-day, August 1978... as far as the sex, he blamed me for being cold and I knew it... the years went by and I got so I didn't care.
My H, probably stopped the cheating a couple of years before that first D-day... After a while, I stopped talking about it and I stayed... I had 2 babies, no money and there it sat for the next 28 years... I brushed it under the rug... but the elephant was in the room, in our bed, in the closet... always there in our life. Two people living in the same house, but separate. I built walls to keep him out and he built walls to keep his secrets. I became 'distant' in bed because I could not allow myself to be close to him... it hurt too much. I was the one that wanted sex over fast.
Through the next 28 years, there were some good times, some really good times, but it was also miserable at the same time. I was lonely in my own home... I was lonely in my own hometown. It was painful to live with the misery and despair just trying to get through life and survive. Oh, how I wished I had dealt with the hurt and agony 28 years ago. By suppressing my feelings all these years has made it near impossible to deal with because it festered and festered over the years.
Then, January 2007. I was miserable... one night, I just blurted it out "Did you have an affair with Debbie"... it came out of nowhere... didn't even know I was going to say it. Everything had started coming back to me a couple of years before that night in 2007, I was so miserable and didn't know what to do. And, so I finally began the process of dealing with my H?s affairs 28 years later.
OMG, I started finding out that I never knew this man I had lived with for close to 40 years... nothing was what I thought it was. Over the next 3.5 years, his horrific secrets started coming out... bit by bit, peace by peace (He trickled truth) which made everything impossible to process. I found myself looking at this man, sitting in front of me, and this overwhelming feeling would wash over me, and I would think "who is this man?"... I would be in shock over and over..
It has been horrible, gut wrenching, painful, agonizing and hating him every other minute these last 3.5 years.... and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. You know that old saying 'the truth will set you free" is so true, even horrible truth. Looking back at my life, I'm shocked at what I've put up with. Looking back, I'm shocked at how I allowed myself to become his 'door mat'. Today, I see his cheating, lying, disgusting behavior so clearly.... and I can?t understand why I never saw it at the time, because it is so obvious to me today. I chose to be blind.
I 'think' we are going to make it even after 30 years of Hell. That's because the secrets are out of the closet. But, I also have learned that life is not fair and nothing in this life is a 'sure thing'.... we work on it everyday.
It's weired, I am happier today than I have been for over 30 years.... yes, happier.... but, I still sometimes feel so sad...I look around and see other couples who have a long, 'loving, together history' and I find myself resenting them. But, I know it's because sometimes I still resent my H for taking 'my life' away from me for so many years... that's how I feel... he took away my womanhood.
It's been over 3 years now and I am still at times find myself on that roller coaster. I have accepted what my marriage was... Sometimes, I'm happy and then sometimes I'm just sad. I still have dreams. Stuff still goes through my head and I sometimes wonder if I'm just 'settling' for what is left in my life... I guess what I'm saying is I do have good days, but I still have bad days, too. I'm still trying to figure ME out.
View the original article here
This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.
0 comments:
Post a Comment