Aug 26, Hollow

My wife?s affair.
Long story, I?m sorry...
We?ve been together for almost 12 years. We have 2 boys (8 and 6 years old). We both have very good jobs and have a satisfying lifestyle.
Since the very beginning I knew that she was a fast and no nonsense woman (I do not necessarily mean that she is ?easy? but her past is peppered with ?let?s make the most out of life?). If she likes what she sees then she goes after it. She is my sister?s friend and we met at Christmas dinner. She was seeing someone then. We met again at New Year?s Eve. She was still seeing that someone, but I liked her and she did too she came to me...
About 3 years after, our first born came, and life changed a lot, not only for the better. A very difficult and draining healthy boy. I knew that I did not want to be a father again and I told her about it and she totally ignored me and my feelings... she wanted another one and that was that. I felt betrayed by her stubbornness and by the fact that my feelings were not important. For two months I tried the ?I don?t touch you on that date? method but one faithful night, it failed me. I was buying time and trying to change her mind when she told me about the second one?s coming.... (a very difficult pregnancy, 5 weeks in a hospital bed and then, the boy being born 5 weeks prematurely...).
After the first born, I started to detach from my wife and child. I?ve built a wall around myself because I felt I could not face the task of raising that difficult child and my wife and I were on different pages on the task of raising that difficult child. When the second one came, things gotten much worse and the wall became a fortress. Love in our couple was not something that showed a lot and life together became a railroad track: going in the same direction but not together...
I staggered for a couple of years, feeling a multitude of emotions, anger, resentment... but could not bring myself to leave her. I started to fantasize to relieve some pressure and I did not cheat on her, not even close, ever... She told me that she still loved me but she felt that there was a gaping hole in us and that she tried to cope with that and she hoped for the best.
In the last year and a half, I realized that I could not go on like that for ever. I realized that I was missing her and that I wanted to reach out to her but felt the gap to wide and that I could not figure out a way to close it...
A lot of stress invaded our life in the past year. The day that she left for a trip with friends, we had a monster fight. She told me to go and f*** myself and I told her that I was leaving. The minute I took my baggage I felt sick and I bolted out the door for a long walk. Our life flashed in my mind, and I crashed, big time... She left for her trip feeling lost and sad, she told me that if something sinister would happen to her, it would be for the better... she wished not to return home... she met a single dad, and one night she and her friends were drinking and he grabbed her for a ?good night kiss? and that was that. Nothing else happened (if I believe her, and I do, I guess). All the time she was gone, I felt sick and lost. I could not feel me inside, I felt hollow.
When she came back, I told her how sorry I was and that a life change was in order. A few days after, they met for lunch. They talked about her and the way she felt. They kissed a little. One week after, they met at lunch time for a walk, they kissed a lot and went to a motel. They made love at lightning speed, she told me that she felt very bad when he ?gotten in her?. He came, she did not. She told me: at that time, she realized that she loved me and that she did not want any other man in her life.

Three days later, after returning home from a night on the town with my friends, drunk and with a very strange feeling of something wrong was happening; I started to bug her about it. She finally admitted that she met someone and that she did not know if she loved me anymore. Wow, what a bomb... she told me at first that they only met for lunch with nothing more than a peck on the cheek... later that day she revised her story to two lunches and a small kiss on the lips... and this version of the story lasted for 3 months, until I bugged her for the truth after some strange feeling of deception that overcame me and it took two hours to make her tell the truth... She told me that it was an eye opener, that she loved me more that she ever loved me, she do not want to leave, she do not want me to leave, she wants to grow old with me and she wants to marry me...
Like I said, for a year and a half I felt things change inside me. When I tried to leave, I felt sick. All the time she was gone I felt hollow. When she got back, we talked a lot and it made me realize that she was my wife, my life and I cared a lot for her. I have fallen deeply in love with her again. That night (morning...) when she told me that she met someone, I crashed. I was love sick. She broke my heart. I broke myself. I went to therapy. There was, as a matter of fact, a lot of thing wrong with me. For three hellish months, I fixed a lot of things with me, forgave her about the ?someone? and life was getting back on track better than ever. I changed drastically, exercised more, lost 20 lbs, looked 10 years younger... I felt like a mountain, a giant... life is good, I made it, I?m getting better all the time, I am beautiful... and, three weeks ago, after two gruelling hours, I made her tell me the truth. She lied to my face several times, for three months about the fact that she did not sleep with him. I feel betrayed, mad, sick, empty, robbed, lonely, I?m ?horny? all the time (we have had the best sex in our life ever since the truth), frustrated, you can name it all, but the strongest feeling is the hollow, the emptiness I feel inside. I still love her, I still want her, I feel lost without her. She makes me sick inside, but I still love her...
Now, she is desperately trying to make things better, she is crazy about the fact that I could leave her (the reason why she did not tell me the truth in the first place). She loves me deeply. I?m her life and she is regretting deeply what she did.
Now, I don?t know what to think or what to do. I feel lost and hollow. I?m feeling a thousand things at the same time, and it?s like I don?t feel anything at all. I always told myself that infidelity was something that I could not survive. I feel like if I stay with her I?m betraying myself, and if I leave, I?m betraying my love for her... I?m not in a win-win situation. I promised her that I would take the time to make the best decision and not rush into things, but I feel that the time needed is running thin. She is feeling lost in front of me (not knowing what to expect) and my emotions always swing from one side to the other and I can?t shake the feeling of knowing that she wanted him and the image of him on top and inside of my moaning wife and love.
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