Gosh, where do I start? I met my husband over 11 years ago,(i was 20, he was 21) and fell deeply in love with him quiet quickly. He also fell for me quiet quickly. We did everything together, we were so wraped up in eachother, that we didnt feel the need to have friends! MISTAKE!!!!! we devoted our time to each other, loved each others company. The following year I gave birth to our first child, and he was so proud, but i always sensed something wasn't quite right, couldn't put my finger on it. He was a very quite, and a deep type of guy, never knew what he was thinking....He seemed immature...at 21/22 he would be i suppose, and always so negative...Im naturally bubbly, so I could never undestand this negative view point, but i loved him, so... after our second child was born we got married.
After we got married I noticed a change in my husband, he seemed more.....mature. He was always a great provider, worker, dad. He's one major downfall was that he could not, or would not communicate. After alcohol, he had no problem communicating, sometimes its was good.....sometimes it was bad and violent communicating. I never knew which way it would go! But always hoping for the good! We went on to have our 3rd child......
I always knew that he viewed himself as the 'black sheep' of the family, he never had any interest in talking or even having anything to do with his family, he always felt that me and the kids were more then enough for him. He never had any interest in having friends, and with his work, it didnt allow him anytime for friendships.....at least not the regular kind!!!
Then one evening out of the blue, he sat me down and asked me a very alarming question, he said 'If we were to go our seperate way's, where would that leave us financially'? Needless to say I was shocked, and alarm bells started ringing. That happened of a wednesday evening....about 5 weeks ago. I didnt know how to answer him as I was a stay at home mom, had just built our new house, etc. So how could I answer him? I tried to keep myself busy over the next few days, while he was busy at work. Then on the sunday, he dropped the bombshell, telling me he's feelings for me had changed, and that he didnt love me anymore. I went numb, couldn't cry, couldn't talk. I asked him 'how long have u felt like this?' he said 'for quite some time' and to be exact.......before our second child was born!!!! before he married me!!! which was 7 years ago! Then I realised he was Emotionlly Disconected from me for ...well...years! But I couldn't see it. I always knew he was a quiet fellow, kept his thoughts to himself, didnt have much to do with his family etc, but isn't a wife suppose to sense when their husband don't love them???? I suppose with the kids and the house, I failed to see it.....
So, That was a hard enough blow to the heart, and naturally left me confused and hurt, he didnt know why he could not communicate this to me sooner, and i started to question my own self worth. 2 days later, on the Tuesday, he came home from work and said, Its ok we'll make it work!!! Again this added to my confusion, I was thinking, you either love me or you dont! which is it? the NEXT DAY he told me that he had met someone! and that telling me he 'didnt love me', was a way to justify his affair! As far as I was concerned, He used a malet to break a nut. So me, being me had to ask for all the details! Blow by blow! knowing every detail would cut me deep, but I needed to know. The fact the OW was shorter, fatter, and uglier, did bring me some relief. She new he was married, but wanted him none the less. She was 13 yrs younger then him. He thought the grass was greener, it wasnt. Then I did a very brave thing, That very same night....I rang her!!!! and to say that she was unlady like, would be an understatement! That also brough me relief! I was also taking to her partner, who was as hurt as me. Her partner and I spoke for a long time, and cross referenced stories! To top it all off, when she started the affair with my husband, she was just after getting pregnant! How she was going to explain that I will never know. As my husband had a vesectomy after out youngest was born!!! The affair is over now.
And he is absolutely bending over backwards to make it easier for me, he is communicating every little thought that comes into his head.
An affair/fling does not mean the end of the marriage, but it does mean that you the wife has got to be super strong, and not let the initial emotions convince you to make a harsh decision. If the remorse is genuine, and lady's you'll know when it is, then there is always hope. This is still very raw for me, but even at this stage, I can see a chance of my marriage working. It was a 2 month affair that absolutely shook the foundations of what I though my life was. The only way is up from here.
And why was he emotionally disconnected, from me...from family... from life? The answer is very simple, it always was, but I chose not to deal with it, and he chose not to deal with it. He NEVER experienced parental love, and I saw this with my own two eyes. It does not excuse the affair on any level, but it highlights he's mental state when this affair started, he had quite literally hit rock bottom. I know in time I will forgive him for the action, but he also knows that he must continue to communicate. Since this all happened he has 'grieved' his loss of family love, and has had a massive U turn in his personality in general. He now is the man that i always knew he could be. Simple things, like making eye contact when he talks to me.
He has written me letters about his feelings and emotions, I know he is genuinely remorseful. He has no intention of talking to his family about how he feels, thats his choice. He will be going to see a councellor very soon, and I certainly hope this helps him. As for me? no doubt I will go with him, for as long as I need to. But I'm gonna start looking after ME.
When he confessed to the affair/fling I didnt get very angry for some reason, maybe its not in my nature, I wasn't going to fling things and break things,why would I? I like my possesions! I didnt lash out at him either, I really managed to keep my cool, I didnt hit him or hurt him in any way physical. The way I saw it, I still loved him, He was the one that checked out of the marriage for a while, not me. He took a week off work, and stayed by my side for the entire week, even when i was on the loo!!! I never truly understood people when they said sometimes an affair is a good thing to happen to a marriage, I myself would not word it the same way, but if I apply it to just MY marriage, then somehow in a twisted way it has made my husband connect with me, see that I have always truly loved him, it has made him appreciate me, his kids, his life. I can finally take my foot off the pedal, and let myself be taken care of for a while, and not be the carer.
He can see everyday with his own eyes what he's actions have done to us, and he knows he will have to work hard to turn this around, but it can be done, If I havent left by now....then I never will.
I never knew I could be this strong, somehow I am.
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