Who is to blame?

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When the pain of the affair hits you, there are often questions about why and who to blame. Finding out who or what to blame may help you find a target for your wrath and pain, but does little to fix the problem. Knowing what went wrong or who did wrong does little to change matters.

Looking deeper into what motivated them to do what they did does take you in the right direction. Blaming is often of limited use, while problem solving is tremendously useful. You will need to problem solve rather than blame. Blaming only takes away some of the immediate pain, while problem solving starts fixing the problem.

Not all problems are ‘fixable’. There will always be some aspect that can be improved upon. Knowing what these are is helpful. There is also a point where your attempts to fix things may be more trouble than they are worth. What you do have to decide is how far are you willing to go? Where do you draw the line? Such questions are hard to answer, but are necessary.

So the next time you go looking for who to blame, consider instead “What will blaming accomplish?” or “How will blaming help the situation?” Granted, it may not be as much fun, but it will be more productive. You are already stressed out, you do not need more hassles than you already have to deal with.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

If you want more direction and answers, my webinar “Sure Fire Secrets to Surviving Your Partners Affair” will remedy that.

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Shameful, sneaky and secretive

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Shame often paralyzes those touched by cheating. It keeps you from reaching out to others. It keeps you from seeking help. It puts you into a bubble of desperation. You want to do something, yet shame keeps you locked into doing nothing. To take action is equated with admitting there is a problem. To admit that a problem exist could mean that you are a failure and that your marriage is a failure. The shame of viewing your marriage as a failure prevents you from taking action. Somehow taking action to do something about the cheating is being ‘sneaky’ and ‘secretive’ on top of shameful.

You know what the cheater would say and how they will accuse you of not trusting them, or worse claiming that you are ‘crazy’ for suspecting that they had an affair. Shame is used against you to keep you passive. Shame is the enemy of taking action.

If you suspect or know your spouse is cheating, the time for action is now. Every day you let the shame keep you passive only makes the pain worse.

I will be talking about dealing with affair over the holidays in a free webinar on Wednesday. You can sign up for it here. The time to take action is now.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Jul 5, Lowest form of Infidelity

by Johnna
(United States)

I will be married 19 years in couple of months. 17 1/2 happily. At least with my husband. The last 8 have been stessfull and they have destroyed the man I married. Because of the economy my husband lost his job of 16 years to a shut down and has had several different unfulfilling jobs since then. This had taken a toll on him and our family. I was his biggest cheerleader during this time and tried building him up, but despite that I could not seem to get him out of his depression. This has taken a toll on our intamacy also. I would be the one to initiate and would be shot down. I accepted it for the longest time, but I started feeling inadequate. My friend was there to listen and she shared it with her husband. One night I was her fill in for a couples league. Her husband turned to me and said that I had to remember that I was a beautiful, sexy woman and anyone would be lucky to have me. Hearing those words made me feel incredible. It also made me nervous because I know he and my friend have their issues. Every time I ran into him after that, although I knew it was wrong, it was so easy to open up to him. I felt things changing between us. The more I didn't exist with my husband the more I found reasons to be around the other man. He started calling me at work to see how I was doing and told me I could call him any time. I found myself calling a couple times a week. My husband was going to be working one weekend and my girlfriend was going to be up north. We planned a night to be completely alone. I turned out to be a night I will never forget. It wasn't just because of the sex. He actually held me tightly in his arms caressing me. Telling me things I have been needing to here for some time now. My husband never held me afterwards.
I know that this can't continue. Too many will be hurt, but I hurt when I am not near him.

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Aug 22, Infidelity Stories

We will not tolerate abuse, bad language and any other comments that do not support the above. Therefore please keep your comments as neutral and honest as possible.

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Does your spouse have workplace spouse?

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One of the disturbing trends that has come about recently are the ‘workplace spouses’. These are adulterous relationships that often exist between co-workers on the job. The two people enjoy ‘fringe benefits’ at the workplace and then go home to their ‘real spouses’. There has been a long history of workplace affairs. The new term of workplace husband or workplace wife adds an aire of legitimacy to this practice. Do you know if your spouse has a spouse at work?

Workplace spouses are challenging in that the co-workers often cover and hide the true nature of the relationships going on at work. At times it is driven by loyalty, and at others by job security. In these days of high unemployment, few people want to risk loosing their job due to spilling the beans about affairs at work. If you call the job, their peers will often hide the true nature of the relationships from you, even to the point of lying. In such cases, trust your gut, rather than what the peers say to you.

There are also several variants of this phenomena. There are workplace spouses which have relations when ‘on the road’. In such cases they may be called traveling spouses. The dynamic of how it is a secondary spouse ( in ancient times, they were called concubines). The relationships are often ‘complicated’.

Some of the signs to look for include:

1. Frequent overnight out of town trips
2. When they are out of town, they rarely call you
3. They want to have their out of town laundry done quickly
4. They hide their out of town laundry
5. They have unexplained charges on their accounts
6. They are secretive about what they did on their trips or at the office

These are just a few of the items to look for. If you suspect something, a semen detection kit may answer your questions.

For more ways of dealing with affairs, purchase my webinar on “Sure-Fire ways to Surviving Your Spouse’s Affair”

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

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Jul 25, Divorce Counseling

Divorce Counseling:

Usually, divorced couples are not in good terms with each other. Often, they part ways with not enough dignity and respect. In sum, there may still be issues that remain unsolved.

This is where you should consider counseling to survive the divorce. Through counseling, the couple?s marriage will end harmoniously.

In counseling, the spouse who initiated the divorce is given a chance to express why his/her decisions are irreversible. On the other hand, the non-initiator can also communicate his feeling about the divorce and the relationship.

With the help of a skilful counselor, couples can be helped in reaching a conclusion that the marriage is actually over no matter how frustrating it may be. Both couples can be guided to accept the fact that the divorce is their responsibility and not blaming it on the other. All their unresolved issues are dealt with and will be solved once and for all.

Through counselling, parents are able to teach their children some valuable skills. They can be their children?s role-model in becoming respectful, cooperative and determined individuals. They can give their children a sense of harmony as they grow older in life.

As Shakespeare says, ?all?s well that ends well?.

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Are you lying to yourself?

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How important is your marriage? When you tell others of how bad you are hurting, are you willing to do what it takes to make things better? It is easier to complain that it is to take action. Perhaps you are taking the easy way out of having to deal with your spouse’s affair. Complain, blame and hate rather than reaching out, understanding and changing.

It will cost you to do nothing. It will cost you to take action. It will cost you to find out what you need to do. Sure, you can stumble along doing the things that do not cost you, but you will find that you often receive what you give. When you give little, you often receive little. You may be telling yourself and your friends that you are doing all that is possible, but that is not true. You may have done all that you feel comfortable in doing, or all that is in your comfort zone. You may have to reach out beyond your comfort zone. Consider the webinar ‘Sure fire ways to survive your partners affair’.
Rather than talk, take action. The webinar will take you beyond your comfort zone and direct you in how and where to make changes that will make a difference. The holidays provide many opportunities to restore your marriage. Take advantage of this time and act, rather than moan and complain.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Sowing and Reaping Lies

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Cheaters do not play fair. Their cheating is testimony to how they try to bend the rules in their favor. They often believe that the ‘rules’ apply to others and not to themselves or that they are too smart to get caught. They surround themselves with lies to cover what they are doing, why they are doing it and what they hope to achieve. If you are feeling overwhelmed by the lies, you are not loosing it. There really are that many lies. You are entering a world of sick reality surrounded by make believe.

The cheater howl like wounded dogs when their spouse begins telling lies on them. If you have succumbed to lies about them, then suddenly you are unfair, unreasonable or just plain outright ‘crazy’. When they lie about their sexual life, they think it is ok. If you lie about their sexual activity, they scream. If you say they had relations with people somehow it is painted as being ‘evil’, yet if they lie in order to hide their sexual activity, it is seen as ‘acceptable’ (at least in their eyes). If you lie about their sexual activity in order to alienate them from their children or accusations of sexual abuse- they say “YOU HAVE GONE TOO FAR!”. When they lied about what they did, even though it endangered the whole family, and created alienation, it was seen as them just being “human”. The “I am a man!” or “I am a woman!” just does not justify what they have done.

I do not approve or encourage either party to lie. It is awfully ironic how the same behavior of lying can be portrayed as being acceptable or human in some situations, but when it is turned around, it becomes ‘unacceptable’ and ‘devious’ when employed back at them.

I will be dealing more with lying in the upcoming webinar “Don’t let the Ho-Ho-Ho’s ruin your Holiday” on Wednesday, December 8 at 6:00pm CST. You can sign up for it here. Since it is a webinar, it will be available by phone or on the internet.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Jul 29, Infidelity in Relationships

Infidelity in relationships:

Most married couples break up because one of them is unfaithful. Infidelity may occur because of the following reasons:

? Lust. A spouse may sexually desire someone else and is triggered by various situations, substance or alcohol abuse.
? Fear. Spouses find it hard to defy sexual advances from another person because they fear of not being approved of.
? Emotional attachment. A spouse may still be trying to make the marriage work. However, they are still longing for a romantic connection with someone else.
? Discontent. A spouse is not contented with loving and desiring one person, particularly his/her partner. Instead, they end up loving more than one person at a time.
? Vows. A spouse may just be staying or holding on to a relationship without having any feelings for his/her partner. He/she is stays because of his/her vows but love and sexual desire does not exist at all.

Infidelity may arise of so many other reasons, other than the ones mentioned above. But one of the most important things is communication. By communicating effectively, both spouses can express themselves and find ways to build and make the relationship stronger than ever.

Another thing to consider is time. Everything is a process. It doesn?t happen overnight. There is not magic wand that puts everything back into place again. It takes time but if you want to make it work, it will really work.

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Jul 12, Surviving Divorce

Surviving Divorce:

Divorce is one of the most painful experiences in married life. Divorced couples exhibit diverse responses towards it. Others easily surrender. They perform poorly on their jobs. They withdraw from family and friends.

But there are those who survived. They endured. They moved on because they took care of themselves by doing following:

? Regular check-ups. If you are feeling sick, go to the doctor for a check-up. This way, you can recover from it in a short period of time.

? Supplements. Always take vitamins so you can help yourself relieve stress easily.

? Regular exercise. Perform regular exercises such as walking, cycling, swimming and others.

? Good habits. Don?t be tempted about drinking, smoking or taking drugs to relive stress. These are not helpful at all.

? Sufficient rest. Avoid late night TV shows. Take a hot bath before going to bed. If you can?t sleep, ask your doctor for a sleep aid.

? Good diet. Stress may make you forget to eat. So, never miss any meal. Eat healthy foods and rink plenty of water.

? Anger management. Don?t let anger get you. Instead, you handle and express your anger in non-destructive ways. Just cry. Scream into a pillow. Buy a punching bag. These are just some of the ways wherein you can release all those tensions.

? Panorama. Change your home interiors by trying on a new arrangement of your tables and chairs; trying on a new paint, putting on new curtains, etc. Get out and have fun. View nature. Visit the park or better yet travel to different places.

? Proper hygiene. When stressed out, some people forget to look and feel good about themselves. Don?t let stress rule over your hygiene. If you do, you?ll easily get sick and depressed.

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10 Biggest Divorce Mistakes Break Free from the Affair Divorce as Friends Divorce Help Divorce Secrets Divorce Survival Guide

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Aug 29, Infidelity Warning Signs

Infidelity Warning Signs for you to look out for if you are suspicious.

More often than not, in the middle of a strong relationship, infidelity can surge up ruining a hard-earned relationship and trust. Once trust is broken, it may take a long while before gaining it back. Click Here to take the Infidelity Warning Signs Quiz

Here are twenty-five most common tell tales signs of infidelity.

You can suspect infidelity if your partner:

1. Usually comes home early then suddenly comes home very late which happens more often, then that could be a suspicious sign of cheating. Most commonly used excuse is working late at the office.

2. Is not in the office on office hours or if he or she is having an overtime in work.

3. Suddenly shows a drastic change in behavior.

4. Normally looked the same way for the past couple of years then suddenly becomes very conscious on how he or she looks and suddenly shows interest in buying elegant clothes, personal hygiene products and perfumes.

5. Spends more time with activities that require to be spent away from home, such as business trips, seminars, conferences, etc.

6. Goes out on evenings together with friends but does not bring you along for one excuse or another.

7. Acts suspiciously, like turning off the computer or cell phone when you enter the room or gets near him or her.

8. Protects the computer with passwords and changes the password of emails and other accounts that require the use of passwords.

9. Smells differently when he or she left home, especially if the smell is from an opposite sex.

10. Shows sudden lack of intimacy, passion, and interest in sex. 11. Cannot justify why the credit card report shows unexplained charges or bank statement shows unexplained payments. Account history could show transactions of frequent money transfer to unknown account.

12. Gets frequent phone calls than the usual. Also, you get a lot of hang ups from strange phone numbers on your home phone and frequent wrong number calls from the same caller or number.

13. Has unexplained mobile numbers or home phone numbers on his or her cell phone or phone book.

14. Has high phone bills that show long phone calls to the same number.

15. Has secret credit cards and bank accounts.

16. Becomes defensive, suspicious, and accusatory on you.

17. Frequently lies about money matters with lots of excuses as to where the money was spent.

18. Has house keys that do not belong to the family.

19. Brings home small but suspicious gifts or strange personal items from an opposite sex. 20. Becomes uneasy and uncomfortable when you open a topic about infidelity or about your relationship.

21. Has sweet text messages in his or her mobile phone or in the e-mail.

22. Becomes super protective over personal belongings such as computers, cell phones, bag, wallet, etc.

23. No longer enjoys kissing, cuddling and holding your hands.

24. Is no longer attentive and focuses on you when you are together.

25. No longer likes talking to you and share even the slightest thoughts, jokes, and experiences.

If you suspect infidelity, don?t hesitate to open up with your partner, because 50% of men who are thinking that their partner is cheating are correct and 85% of women who noticed the infidelity warning signs are rarely wrong.

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Aug 15, the last kiss goodnight....

by ashley jay
(australia)

he took my hand, and dragged me away, to a quiet place
where i did not want to stay. he looked into my eyes,
and placed his hand on my neck, he went to give me a passionate
kiss, but i returned with a peck.
he said to me... do u not want this? and i replyed i havnt stopped wanting
this, he turned and looked away, then stared deep into my eyes. he said all
i want is you, and my stomach filled with butterflies.
my heart was pounding, i had been waiting for this opportunity
for far too long. so i kissed him, i kissed him long and hard.
then i said i have to go, and took the walk of shame.
i met up with him again later that night, he had not left my mind from the moment
we first kissed. his lips so soft, the warmth on my neck, he knew my weakness.
we held hands as we walked to his room, my heart pounding so hard in the thought
of being caught. adrenaline is a drug, and i'm addicted.
his hands around my waist, his lips on my neck, slowly we lay on the bed.
my mind telling me to stop, my body was wanting the whole experience.
his hands on my chest, his hips against mine, we were caught up in the moment,
just it was the wrong place. wrong time. i faught up the courage to push him away,
and to say i cant do this anymore, as i had to go home with my man the very next day.
i buttoned up my jeans, and straightend my hair, then gave him wat i thought would
be one last kiss, and walked away.
later on that night, my mind and soul was buzzing, as all i wanted was to be alone with him.
just before i left, he cornered me once more, putting his hand against my face,
and kissing me against the bathroom door. he whispered into my ear, i want to feel
you again, my heart sinking at the thought of going along with it,
but it couldve meant my relationship coming to an end.
i said goodbye, gave him one last kiss and walked away, my body numb with guilt.

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Nov 24, Waited 30 years before dealing with his affairs

by Barb
(Indiana)

My husband started cheating on me right after our daughter was born (3 years into our marriage)... I believe this was when things started to fall apart. He started cheating right before I got pregnant with our 2nd child. The next 5 or so years of our marriage, my H cheated with at least 8 women, one long term and several ONS. Then the big D-Day, 7 years later, Aug. 1978, I learned my husband had slept with Debbie (not her real name)... at that time, I didn't know about the rest of the women until 28 years later) and I also learned that everybody in our small hometown knew about "Debbie"... At the time, I was crashed.... I screamed, cried and yes, even begged him to talk to me, he never would admit to anything... he denied, denied, denied. He made me think I was crazy. So, one day, I just stopped talking about it and I buried it deep inside me until I just forgot for the next 28 years.

Right from the start before D-day, on some level, I guess I knew things were very wrong... my H changed... he became indifferent, secretive, distant, always denying anything was going on... evading my questions about all those late nights... Oh, I had the 'gut' feelings, the signs were there , the flags were everywhere, (he even threw it in my face) people would even make 'innuendo' remarks to me... but I refused to hear, I refused to see, that my husband could cheat on me... My brain would not accept my husband betraying me.... I chose to live in denial.

Looking back today... During the time he was indulging in his sexual escapades, the sex between us became different... the sex was no longer tender/loving... the sex was pretty much over before I knew we had sex... the tender loving 'connecting kind of sex' dried up years before I even realized what was happening. I remember getting to the point of never wanting sex with him, especially after D-day, August 1978... as far as the sex, he blamed me for being cold and I knew it... the years went by and I got so I didn't care.

My H, probably stopped the cheating a couple of years before that first D-day... After a while, I stopped talking about it and I stayed... I had 2 babies, no money and there it sat for the next 28 years... I brushed it under the rug... but the elephant was in the room, in our bed, in the closet... always there in our life. Two people living in the same house, but separate. I built walls to keep him out and he built walls to keep his secrets. I became 'distant' in bed because I could not allow myself to be close to him... it hurt too much. I was the one that wanted sex over fast.

Through the next 28 years, there were some good times, some really good times, but it was also miserable at the same time. I was lonely in my own home... I was lonely in my own hometown. It was painful to live with the misery and despair just trying to get through life and survive. Oh, how I wished I had dealt with the hurt and agony 28 years ago. By suppressing my feelings all these years has made it near impossible to deal with because it festered and festered over the years.

Then, January 2007. I was miserable... one night, I just blurted it out "Did you have an affair with Debbie"... it came out of nowhere... didn't even know I was going to say it. Everything had started coming back to me a couple of years before that night in 2007, I was so miserable and didn't know what to do. And, so I finally began the process of dealing with my H?s affairs 28 years later.

OMG, I started finding out that I never knew this man I had lived with for close to 40 years... nothing was what I thought it was. Over the next 3.5 years, his horrific secrets started coming out... bit by bit, peace by peace (He trickled truth) which made everything impossible to process. I found myself looking at this man, sitting in front of me, and this overwhelming feeling would wash over me, and I would think "who is this man?"... I would be in shock over and over..

It has been horrible, gut wrenching, painful, agonizing and hating him every other minute these last 3.5 years.... and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. You know that old saying 'the truth will set you free" is so true, even horrible truth. Looking back at my life, I'm shocked at what I've put up with. Looking back, I'm shocked at how I allowed myself to become his 'door mat'. Today, I see his cheating, lying, disgusting behavior so clearly.... and I can?t understand why I never saw it at the time, because it is so obvious to me today. I chose to be blind.

I 'think' we are going to make it even after 30 years of Hell. That's because the secrets are out of the closet. But, I also have learned that life is not fair and nothing in this life is a 'sure thing'.... we work on it everyday.

It's weired, I am happier today than I have been for over 30 years.... yes, happier.... but, I still sometimes feel so sad...I look around and see other couples who have a long, 'loving, together history' and I find myself resenting them. But, I know it's because sometimes I still resent my H for taking 'my life' away from me for so many years... that's how I feel... he took away my womanhood.

It's been over 3 years now and I am still at times find myself on that roller coaster. I have accepted what my marriage was... Sometimes, I'm happy and then sometimes I'm just sad. I still have dreams. Stuff still goes through my head and I sometimes wonder if I'm just 'settling' for what is left in my life... I guess what I'm saying is I do have good days, but I still have bad days, too. I'm still trying to figure ME out.

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Oct 22, Infidelity Forum

It appears that most of our visitors are not interested in an infidelity forum -- so instead of a forum we are going to be asking for you to share your infidelity story and how you survived it.

Whether you have betrayed or been betrayed, please share your story to help others in a similar place

Click below to see contributions from other visitors to this page...

Surving a two month affair 
My husband had an affair last year. When I found out, it felt like I was a piece of glass and someone took a sledgehammer to me and I was shattered in ...

It never goes away: 
I have now been married for 39 years,but in the 17th year of our marriage, my husband cheated. I do have suspicions that it was not the first time. This ...

Wounded Spirit... 
Please help me save myself. I am reaching out at a breaking point and like others have found that counseling is not helping me to heal. This is a last ...

Sadness that doesn't seem to go away! 
I need help ... I have seen several counselors for this matter but for some reason I feel it makes matters worse. I caught my husband having an affair ...

almost three years ago 
am still struggling with trust after husband slept with coworker. This was shortly after id had a breakdown. he said he would stop contact with her-even ...

Clueless 
I am married for 24 years with 3 sons. I am 50 years female and working abroad. My husband works in an antique store back home.It all started last Dec ...

Against the Wind 
I was told about my wife's affair almost a month ago. I have spent every day reading websites over and over, trying to identify what happened and trying ...

feel like i could die 
My wife is a flight attendant--a job I have supported her in. I was well aware of the stigma and yes, I had concerns that there would be opportunities,...

Top 9 Signs Your Spouse Is Cheating 
You have a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, something is not right but you can not quite figure out what that feeling is about. Your spouse ...

Cheating Wife Story - Weight loss is not just weight loss 
Jeffery's Cheating Wife Story:

I have been a supportive husband, a devoted partner, and a dedicated father. I had always thought that my marriage and ...

Broken   Not rated yet
I've been with my husband since I was 25 and I'm now 45. We've grown into adults together. We've raised two children together. We've been through good ...

Cheated and Married Him ... ???  Not rated yet
We started dating about 3.5 years ago. It started out as just friends and then we quickly became best friends. Eventually over time, the feelings grew ...

Infidelity Research Study  Not rated yet
This is an invitation to participate in a study on views of infidelity in relationships

The study will require you to answer a short online questionnaire ...

Waited 30 years before dealing with his affairs  Not rated yet
My husband started cheating on me right after our daughter was born (3 years into our marriage)... I believe this was when things started to fall apart....

Emotionally Disconnected Husband had an fling/affair  Not rated yet
Gosh, where do I start? I met my husband over 11 years ago,(i was 20, he was 21) and fell deeply in love with him quiet quickly. He also fell for me quiet ...

Never thought it would happen to me...  Not rated yet
My husband and I have been married 7 years and have two beautiful boys (5 and 4). I have had the feeling that he was cheating or had cheated for a while....

Surviving Infidelity for Mothers  Not rated yet
Dear Mothers,

My name is Brian Lee.

My Dad left my Mom for another woman more than 10 years ago. She did an amazing job to raised me and my sister,...

Not happy?  Not rated yet
When I think of it now I see all the signs. They are there, in black and white. But I ignored them or just did not choose to see them. And had I chosen ...

Tene Jones  Not rated yet
After 11 years of being together and five years being married, I learned that my husband was cheating with someone for over 3 years. Later, I then found ...

RE: Excellent Marriage Counseling Site Here...  Not rated yet
My husband had cheated on me about 4 months ago and I finally decided to stop dwelling and get some counseling. Lou at Attainment Life helped me get back ...

How To Catch A Cheating Spouse Quickly And Easily?  Not rated yet
E Hack Zone: Email Surveillance Services...

For all those people who want to find out if your partner is cheating or the p a s s w o r d to your partner'...

Cheated on by now wife 5 times before we got married.  Not rated yet
My wife and I got married a couple of years ago and had been together for ~8 years before we got married and I felt very lucky to have found her aside ...

low moral character  Not rated yet
I'm a paraplegic and it affects my ability to perform sexually. My wife responded to an ad on craigslist posted by someone looking for sexual partners....

Across the ocean then back again  Not rated yet
7 years ago this last August 1st I met the man of my dreams.......or so I thought. I was in the end stages of my marriage and knew I wanted to be with ...

With my best friends  Not rated yet
My husband and I went to a festival--he really really wanted to go. I met Mimi. Turns out he'd already been sleeping with her. Eventually, thru many ...

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