Nov 24, Cheated and Married Him ... ???

We started dating about 3.5 years ago. It started out as just friends and then we quickly became best friends. Eventually over time, the feelings grew and we began dating. A girl who he had seen before me decided that now that he settled down with me, that she wanted him back. She started to message him and tell him that she loved him and missed him and wanted him back. I asked him several times to tell her to leave him alone because we were together, but he never did. It really hurt my feelings and I began to think that if he couldn't tell her to go away, that maybe he still had feelings for her. What if he was seeing her behind my back? I began accusing him of things and asking him questions. A couple months later, I found online messages and IMs between him and numerous girls where he was asking them to come over and have sex. He denied our relationship to all of them, saying that we weren't together even though I wanted us to be and he didn't. I confronted him about it and the accusations and suspicions kept growing. For two months straight I asked him if he had cheated or was cheating and he would look me straight in the eye and say no. I found out two months later that he had been. He had been sleeping and hanging out with a girl for two months. I knew it deep down inside but I had no proof. A girl's car outside his house one evening when he wouldn't answer my calls but we were supposed to hang out, a girl constantly calling his phone but he would never answer around me, hiding his phone from me, etc. Well I broke it off when I found out even though he said he was sorry and begged me to stay with him and he wanted to change. For two months he kept telling me how much he loved me and wanted me back, but come to find out, he was still talking to the girl he cheated on me with and was seeing another girl!! He kept lying to me about them, but I knew better then. I started to see someone else and that was when he quit talking to them and asked for me back. So I decided to give him another chance. We got engaged before he went overseas and everything was great as far as I could tell. A couple months into him being overseas, he sexually webcammed a girl who was supposed to be my friend. She did things on camera for him and they watched each other ... she was married to a fellow soldier of his. She could look me in the eye and talk to me on a daily basis after doing that. On his leave, a female family friend came to visit him but he told me nothing about it. He picked her up from the airport and would hang out with her all day while I was going to my college classes and working. He would come back to my place late at night to sleep, get up and shower, and then go back to hanging out with her. He swore it was nothing sexual, he just hung out with her ... after all, they'd been friends before we ever got together and their families were friends. I ended up giving him the ring back and the night before he left to go back overseas was when I found out about him and my friend on webcam. We continued to talk while he was overseas but we weren't together. He started talking to the girl he cheated on me with again, all while he kept telling me he wanted to come home and prove to me that he was different and I was the only one for him. He came home from his tour overseas and we began to try to work things out. Things were going great! A few months later he got a job in a different town and moved. He met a girl, got her number, started talking to her and met up with her once, before I found out. I found that out by going through his phone. He said it was nothing sexual, just someone to talk to because he was lonely being somewhere where he knew no one. I talked to her as well and she verified that it never got physical, they just met up at a park and walked and talked. I still ended up moving down there to be close to him because I still so wanted to believe that we could work out but I knew that having that much distance between us wouldn't help. A couple months later we found out I was pregnant. He wanted to get married and I said no at first, I had my hesitations. Well, we ended up getting married and I still to this day deal with all the insecurities and issues of the past. I don't know how to move forward and if we'll truly ever be able to work it all out. He's changed, I can see it. I can see his facebook, cell phone and cell phone bill, he comes straight home after work and spends time with us, I've checked up on him multiple times and haven't found anything. He swears he's changed and that he's dedicated to this marriage and to this family .. says things are different now and he's grown up and realized a lot of things since the past. I want to believe him and I do believe he has good intentions, I just don't have faith that he can stay true to me and our family, even though he may want to. I know I've played a part in it all, I am not easy to get along with at times and I don't always make things easy. I know I have my things that I need to change but is it worth it to go through all of it and just have him do it again?? This time, we have a child to think about!!

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Aug 22, Restoring Trust After an Affair

Restoring Trust After an Affair is an article that will give you a step by step process to restoring the trust after infidelity.

Restoring trust is all about working through the infidelity and finding a way that you can both get through it.

The 3 phases to recovering from an affair in your relationship are outlined below and will give you a better understanding of the process if you are not sure where to start.

Phase 1 is THE most important part of restoring trust after an affair!

This is where you need to look at yourself and your emotions and pain and sort it all out. When I say "you" I mean the injured party in the relationship -- the injured party is the one who has so many questions, so many thoughts running through their head, that they just don't know where to start.

Instead of leaving these thoughts in your head you need to verbalise them. You need to ask the questions not just let them fester inside you,this won't help to restore your trust in your relationship.

This can be a really difficult time and actually sitting down and discussing the infidelity as two adults is not always as easy as it seems!

We all know that marriage is hard and infidelity in a marriage is a LOT harder. So you really do need to have a third party liasing between both of you so that the emotions don't take over.

Is this phase is done right then getting over the affair can move much quicker and the communication be much better.

After you have been through your emotions and discussed it with you partner then you can start looking towards the future.

I am not saying that this is a quick fix process.... it is FAR from that but it is possible and if you both work together to change what is caused the affair then you can both have a bright future together.

Find out more about the 3 phases through the 7-Step Home Study Course - Survive An Affair a free course that will outline the process in much more detail than I have written here.

How to Survive the Affair is a really comprehensive program that will go through the 3 phases with you and HELP you get through the infidelity and move past the pain.

Dr Frank Gunzburg has been counseling for over 30 years and he really understands what you are going through.

You owe it to yourself and to your relationship to at least go to the Free 7-Step Home Study Course - Survive An Affair

Restoring Trust after an Affair - Top

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Who is to blame?

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When the pain of the affair hits you, there are often questions about why and who to blame. Finding out who or what to blame may help you find a target for your wrath and pain, but does little to fix the problem. Knowing what went wrong or who did wrong does little to change matters.

Looking deeper into what motivated them to do what they did does take you in the right direction. Blaming is often of limited use, while problem solving is tremendously useful. You will need to problem solve rather than blame. Blaming only takes away some of the immediate pain, while problem solving starts fixing the problem.

Not all problems are ‘fixable’. There will always be some aspect that can be improved upon. Knowing what these are is helpful. There is also a point where your attempts to fix things may be more trouble than they are worth. What you do have to decide is how far are you willing to go? Where do you draw the line? Such questions are hard to answer, but are necessary.

So the next time you go looking for who to blame, consider instead “What will blaming accomplish?” or “How will blaming help the situation?” Granted, it may not be as much fun, but it will be more productive. You are already stressed out, you do not need more hassles than you already have to deal with.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

If you want more direction and answers, my webinar “Sure Fire Secrets to Surviving Your Partners Affair” will remedy that.

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Shameful, sneaky and secretive

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Shame often paralyzes those touched by cheating. It keeps you from reaching out to others. It keeps you from seeking help. It puts you into a bubble of desperation. You want to do something, yet shame keeps you locked into doing nothing. To take action is equated with admitting there is a problem. To admit that a problem exist could mean that you are a failure and that your marriage is a failure. The shame of viewing your marriage as a failure prevents you from taking action. Somehow taking action to do something about the cheating is being ‘sneaky’ and ‘secretive’ on top of shameful.

You know what the cheater would say and how they will accuse you of not trusting them, or worse claiming that you are ‘crazy’ for suspecting that they had an affair. Shame is used against you to keep you passive. Shame is the enemy of taking action.

If you suspect or know your spouse is cheating, the time for action is now. Every day you let the shame keep you passive only makes the pain worse.

I will be talking about dealing with affair over the holidays in a free webinar on Wednesday. You can sign up for it here. The time to take action is now.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Jul 5, Lowest form of Infidelity

by Johnna
(United States)

I will be married 19 years in couple of months. 17 1/2 happily. At least with my husband. The last 8 have been stessfull and they have destroyed the man I married. Because of the economy my husband lost his job of 16 years to a shut down and has had several different unfulfilling jobs since then. This had taken a toll on him and our family. I was his biggest cheerleader during this time and tried building him up, but despite that I could not seem to get him out of his depression. This has taken a toll on our intamacy also. I would be the one to initiate and would be shot down. I accepted it for the longest time, but I started feeling inadequate. My friend was there to listen and she shared it with her husband. One night I was her fill in for a couples league. Her husband turned to me and said that I had to remember that I was a beautiful, sexy woman and anyone would be lucky to have me. Hearing those words made me feel incredible. It also made me nervous because I know he and my friend have their issues. Every time I ran into him after that, although I knew it was wrong, it was so easy to open up to him. I felt things changing between us. The more I didn't exist with my husband the more I found reasons to be around the other man. He started calling me at work to see how I was doing and told me I could call him any time. I found myself calling a couple times a week. My husband was going to be working one weekend and my girlfriend was going to be up north. We planned a night to be completely alone. I turned out to be a night I will never forget. It wasn't just because of the sex. He actually held me tightly in his arms caressing me. Telling me things I have been needing to here for some time now. My husband never held me afterwards.
I know that this can't continue. Too many will be hurt, but I hurt when I am not near him.

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Aug 22, Infidelity Stories

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Does your spouse have workplace spouse?

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One of the disturbing trends that has come about recently are the ‘workplace spouses’. These are adulterous relationships that often exist between co-workers on the job. The two people enjoy ‘fringe benefits’ at the workplace and then go home to their ‘real spouses’. There has been a long history of workplace affairs. The new term of workplace husband or workplace wife adds an aire of legitimacy to this practice. Do you know if your spouse has a spouse at work?

Workplace spouses are challenging in that the co-workers often cover and hide the true nature of the relationships going on at work. At times it is driven by loyalty, and at others by job security. In these days of high unemployment, few people want to risk loosing their job due to spilling the beans about affairs at work. If you call the job, their peers will often hide the true nature of the relationships from you, even to the point of lying. In such cases, trust your gut, rather than what the peers say to you.

There are also several variants of this phenomena. There are workplace spouses which have relations when ‘on the road’. In such cases they may be called traveling spouses. The dynamic of how it is a secondary spouse ( in ancient times, they were called concubines). The relationships are often ‘complicated’.

Some of the signs to look for include:

1. Frequent overnight out of town trips
2. When they are out of town, they rarely call you
3. They want to have their out of town laundry done quickly
4. They hide their out of town laundry
5. They have unexplained charges on their accounts
6. They are secretive about what they did on their trips or at the office

These are just a few of the items to look for. If you suspect something, a semen detection kit may answer your questions.

For more ways of dealing with affairs, purchase my webinar on “Sure-Fire ways to Surviving Your Spouse’s Affair”

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

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